In honor of the summer solstice, I offer a novel theory on Scully's
newfound fertility. My hypothesis springs forth from an unlikely source. As many of you know, several weeks ago, I began an exhaustive and exhausting study of GCS's (as I'm sure you can imagine, the more I observe, the more laundry I have to do...it's a vicious cycle, really). My research has been slowgoing, painstaking even, but, throughout, I have held onto the hope that The Haven Shippers would forgive the sleepy-snail/molasses-up-a-hill pace of my research and, instead, laud the thoroughness of my work. In the immortal words of our beloved Scully, "The answers are there. You just have to know where to look." And, well, I know where to look...and look...and look...and stare...and gape...and drool....but, I digress.
By carefully comparing GCS's from mid-S6 through S7, I found, to my
surprise, pleasure, and renewed interest in doing more laundry, a
substantial increase in the, how shall I put this?, *mass* of the precise region that is the subject of my study. In layman's terms, either Mulder is stuffing his shorts or, somewhere along the way, he acquired an extra -- yes, a third -- testicle. Of course, since this shocking discovery, I have necessarily abandoned, for the moment, my GCS data-gathering in order to pursue the answer to every question that's ever been asked regarding Scully's pregnancy.
Before you rush to flame/dismiss/lose-your-lunch/ball-me-out over this unique, original, exciting, and, I might add, carefully-documented theory, please recall -- you thought Scully couldn't get pregnant. There are three elements to my hypothesis:
(1) The Extra Ball Sac Does Exist -- This is a given. It's inarguable. It's incontrovertible. Don't even try. In my world, "Does Mulder have an extra nut?" is now a rhetorical question. When people ask me if I like watching The X-Files, I respond "Does Mulder have an extra nut?" It's that simple. If you're going to argue this point with me, I will ignore you, re-post the complete lyrics of Paul Anka's "Havin' My Baby," and/or send you e-mail survey after e-mail survey after e-mail survey.
(2) Scully's Ova Weren't Stolen, They Were Just Shy -- What *other* explanation is there? Really.
(3) The Third Testicle Comes Complete With Lab-Generated Sperm -- Clearly, Mulder's carrying a wider load for a reason, and it has *something* to do with my theory. I believe Mulder's third-one's-a-charm gonad is the vessel for some genetically-engineered, super-potent, golden-semen-toted spermatozoa. Whether that super-sperm is alien, hybrid, immune to the virus, or just happy to be there, I do not know. I leave that to those of you who know your black oil from your green goo.
What I do know is that this theory ROCKS!
*How* could this happen, you ask? Observe. During all things, Mulder and Scully consummate their DAL, assume the position, and do the naked pretzel. Mulder's life-giving fluid jettisons in the appropriate direction, courtesy of his charming trio of 'nads, and Scully's previously-timid ova are coaxed out of hiding by the way-more-fun-at-parties-super-sperm. Does this explain everything, or what? I've always secretly harbored the suspicion that the so-called "key to everything in The X-Files" could be found in Mulder's pants, and, now, I've got the proof! Oh, and, still confused about Scully's rather abrupt exit on the "morning after"? If you've ever encountered a three-testicled man, you, too, may have discovered that, sometimes, less *is* more. If the presence of foreshadowing would make my theory more palatable to you skeptics, I've got that, too. Recall Scully's portentous remark to Mulder in The Unnatural: "You've got us grabbing life by the testes." Why would she have said that if Mulder *wasn't* going to end up with a laboratory-manufactured extra ball sac fully-locked-and-loaded with the special, gonna-get-Scully-pregnant sauce? You didn't think that was *brain* surgery Mulder underwent in Amor Fati, did you?
The only question that remains is whether the one, tiny, wee, diehard, little-engine-that-could swimmer who did the job, shocking Shippers everywhere and paving the way for a summer full of riveting baby-name conjecture, was a normal, pokey-but-determined Mulder sperm who just happened to be in the right place at the right time or one of the genetically-altered, man-alien-or-milkman-made sperm. *That's* the only thing I can't figure out.
There it is, folks...my Three Nut Theory (or, "TNT"..sometimes things explode)...I hope this starts the ball rolling in terms of discussion...we have a lot a lot a lot to ponder!
Disclaimer: The data, information, correspondence, hogwash contained in this post do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Haven, The Shipper Havenites, or the poster. Said drivel could, in fact, reflect a very late night, a dare, a double dare, then, a TRIPLE dare, a nice bottle of Shiraz, and some Liquid Paper.
Note: This AMAZING theory was originally posted by K-Rock on the Shipper Message Board at the Haven.